As the sun set on 2016 and we rolled into a new year, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and relief. The year was finally over, and I could breathe. This new year was a turning point for me, one that I didn’t expect, but definitely needed.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing and looking back I recall last year as… tough. In fact, the last three years have felt like this, each for different reasons. I would approach the end of the working year grateful for the office closedown, but also with a sense of intense anxiety as I would be planted on last minute major end-of-year projects that would consume most of my waking thoughts. I’d give myself the actual holidays, or so I’d tell myself, but after treading water through a tumultuous year, the holiday season and new year would mostly become a bittersweet affair. I would be happy for time with friends and family, and the potential of a “fresh start”, but then the impending high-tension frazzle of looming deadlines would also be hanging over my head the whole time. I felt like I was out at sea, stranded between two opposing and crashing tides. Like a lighthouse… or maybe something more fragile, like a boat or long lonely jetty. ….It’s probably a wrangled metaphor, too full of overwrought melancholy, but that’s how it was. You spend so much time angry, confused, bitter or sad, and all you end up with is resignation and what I often described as “complicated feelings“.
But this new years was a little different – no major work dramas were on my plate, no restructures, no last minute projects (or at least nothing urgent). The stress… was actually not there. I felt like an elastic band that had been wound up tight around a big ball but finally released… and it was weird? That’s how bad my anxiety and tension used to be. In truth, I think I’d actually been unwinding since November after my last major event for the year and … I can’t say I trusted it! It didn’t feel right. Three straight years of unpredictable work does that to a person. But then my workplace hired more support and it actually made a difference – I was surprised. And then I was immensely grateful on the impact this had on the conclusion to my year. Things were actually manageable for once… which does bring on other issues (discussions on workload management anyone?), but for the most part, all manageable. I started to wake up from a fog, had a few reality check moments, and realised… OK, it’s time to move forward.
Without the tension (and excuses), I actually had room to reflect and was able to take the time to find clarity, figure out where I was at and be OK with it. The key word here is time. Sometimes, it’s as hard to accept peace, as it is to realise that something may be wrong in the first place. I’ve been stuck for a while, and the unravelling of tension, and untying my identity from things that ultimately don’t matter to me… well. It took effort and lots of time.
And where does it leave me? It’s the beginning of a new year, a fresh start. I’m not a big believer in resolutions, but I’ve resolved, truly resolved, that as a start, this year will be a year of change. I’m determined to maintain a positive outlook, create new opportunities, and just get myself on with it!
So 2017, I have high hopes for you.
Cheers to you all,
xA.